Normally when I write a blog it is when I have gone through a difficult or transformative situation and come out the other side. I like to process things and analyze them thoroughly before writing about them. But this time is different. Here I am in the midst of a difficult season. I've been sick for a week and I am exhausted. Caring for three little people all day is exhausting even when I am 100% healthy and 100% caffeinated. But this week I was so sick that coffee sounded awful. For me, that is REALLY REALLY sick! So after 6 days of exhaustion, my five year olds happy chattering questions grate on my nerves and when the five year old starts fighting with his three year old brother it makes me feel like I'm about to have a full on panic attack. It frustrates me that something as simple as a bad cold has this much impact on my emotional stability. I've tried so many things to get through this week. Lots of cold medicine and tea. Bubble baths, face masks, naps, shopping alone. Nothing is touching the exhaustion.I knew in my soul that there was no amount of self-care that was going to touch how I felt inside.
So tonight I gave up! I sat down on the couch with my journal and starting describing how bone weary and un-Christian I am feeling right now. Then it hit me. I have been trying so hard this week to buck up and save myself. And it's no wonder. Now a days women are told they need to save themselves, be their own hero. We are the all sufficient masters of our own destinies and no deity will save us. We must save ourselves. Even Disney is telling the princesses now that they are responsible to save themselves. I'm all for empowering women to be all they can be. But sometimes we also need a hero. Whenever I get a chance (like today) to face how weak and helpless I am to change myself it makes me grateful that I have a Mighty Savior, a dread champion who fights for me. I simply have to stop trying to save myself. That is what I heard God whisper into my heart tonight: "Thank you for stopping, now I can help you." He is patient and kind. As I sit here, realizing that I do not have the physical or emotional strength to love my children perfectly, I feel God taking a heaviness off my heart. I can physically feel him taking the sadness, frustration, and hopelessness away. Sometimes I wonder why I don't give up sooner.
"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good."- John Steinbeck.
So tonight I gave up! I sat down on the couch with my journal and starting describing how bone weary and un-Christian I am feeling right now. Then it hit me. I have been trying so hard this week to buck up and save myself. And it's no wonder. Now a days women are told they need to save themselves, be their own hero. We are the all sufficient masters of our own destinies and no deity will save us. We must save ourselves. Even Disney is telling the princesses now that they are responsible to save themselves. I'm all for empowering women to be all they can be. But sometimes we also need a hero. Whenever I get a chance (like today) to face how weak and helpless I am to change myself it makes me grateful that I have a Mighty Savior, a dread champion who fights for me. I simply have to stop trying to save myself. That is what I heard God whisper into my heart tonight: "Thank you for stopping, now I can help you." He is patient and kind. As I sit here, realizing that I do not have the physical or emotional strength to love my children perfectly, I feel God taking a heaviness off my heart. I can physically feel him taking the sadness, frustration, and hopelessness away. Sometimes I wonder why I don't give up sooner.
"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good."- John Steinbeck.
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